Long Road.

A couple days ago I came to a fork in my road.  One was long, winding, and full of reminders of personal shortcomings.  The other was short, but so small only 1 person could possible walk it.  I thought to myself, “I’m strong enough to walk the road alone”.  So I started down that path.  I felt odd.  Like I was free from all the things that hurt me in my life.  I cast my old life aside, no more burden, no more guilt.  It only took a few miles before I realized I was totally alone.

So I went back to that fork.  Every step I took was painful.  Brought up memories I didn’t want to relive.  Emotions I didn’t think I could bear.  But….I felt again…real, deep, and full emotions.  The people I hurt did not all despise me.  Just the reverse, they treated me with kindness and warmth.  With my head hung low I trudged.  No angry words greeted me.  No glances of fear.  No pity was shown either.  Just understanding.  So I pushed on, miles and miles, the years I had let myself be hurt, by people who had not cared.  Yet my family, even my wife, whom I feel I wounded the gravest, held me in their thoughts.  Kept my close to their hearts.  I almost gave it all up…I was scared.

My feet burned from the walking, my back sore from not resting.  The pain reminded me…I was alive to feel it.  I made choices that I should not have.  Looked too closely at what others had.  I knew my grass was the greenest, but not how I could keep it that way.  You see, I could no longer work, too much pain.  I had focused so much on that pain, that I had not seen the burden I had left behind for another to carry.

Yesterday I walked back, more miles.  I picked up my own burden.  It was mine to bear.  I had been so wrong in the way I coped with the pain, and I had been put back on medications meant to numb the pain, which they did, but I was left completely numb.  My thoughts started to turn on themselves.  I said things I never would have, did things that frightened those closest to me.  I thought I heard a call.  I heard a cry for help.  It was her voice in my head.  The one that always told me it would be alright.  So I ran and ran.  I looked for where I had heard it last.

I was standing in my house, once our home.  It was empty…hollow.  I looked around to see if I was really alone.  I was.  As I started to pick up the old and unwanted feelings and memories, I uncovered where the sound was coming from…They were set around the house.  Small reminders of the promises I made.  The vows, still unbroken.  The heart I had hurt with my inaction.

I ache inside.  I yearn to hear that voice again.  I’m willing to listen.  To hear.  I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I was wrong to expect someone else to fix me.  To heal me, when I was not ready to heal.  I was wrong not to listen.  I was wrong to have walked away.

Now there is nothing left.  Only the road ahead.  I hold hope close.  My eyes now focused on who I truly desire.  My soulmate.  I meant every word of my vow, I have not broken them.  Don’t trust my words.  Allow me to show you.

I will rebuild what I let fall to ruin.  I will spend the rest of my days proving my devotion.  I won’t ask you to believe me.  I won’t demand you to listen.  I will simply do what is right.  I will bear my fair share.  Teach our children to do the same.

My ideas are many now.  Legions of romantic gestures, ideals of goodness, and plans to change all that was really wrong.  I have let go of past grief. I will keep my house in order.

She was right.  I needed help that no one could give.  I needed to let go of the past.  Let it be.  Dream of tomorrow, but live today.

 

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Troubles in the Indian Amazon!

I have typed/spoken etc to your Mumbai costumer service office and your scripted conversations have had several communication barrier troubles.  As a result of your faulty software and VERY poor customer service agents, I am now locked out of all 3, and my icloud account is closed.  You will contact when it’s good for me, not you.  All of this is going to now be posted on every media outlet I can find.   Facebook.com, Istagram.com, WordPress.com(fullfatheralchemy), even some spat chats of the years of poor quality, faulty, and fraudulent items you have sent me!
The first will be an expensive ipad protector and you FAILED TO SEND THE IPAD WITH.  Your shipping is dismal.  The Amazon Prime 2 day shipping is blatant false advertising.  You will no longer be allowed to fraud another customer.  Your 3rd party sellers have taken over Amazon and now Amazon.com and smile.Amazon.com(which gives to for profit charities).  All  in all, I have you no stars.
Please be aware that when enough physical/digital evidence is found, there will be a class action law suit for breech of contract, we may loose in court, but in the court of public opinion you will never recover fully.
Your partners Chase Bank, Synchrony Bank, Best Buy, and most top brands will be named in said lawsuit.
I have you a chance last week to make this right… Tomorrow morning I will start the campaign against you.  It may take years, but I will do more damage to you than you could dream of doing to me.
That’s one mad anonymous user.

The real struggle of mental disorders.

To me, I find it overwhelming at times.  What is it?  It could be a simple temporary addiction to a game, TV series, or other distraction.  Or worse, it could be a chemical addiction added to a physical disorder or malady (such as nerve pain in your feet caused by Hypothyroidism or repetitive tasks like working the in the same spot for 13 years).  Once a series of events takes hold, it does not want to let go without some kind of relief.  For me, my mind gets clouded with single track thoughts.  Worry.  Concern.  Stress.  Dismay.  Situations that are normally a non issue, become a dramatic event that are baseless, but still feel serious, due to the previously mentioned chronic physical pain.

I have not been able to sit and write.  Yearning for a temporary distraction until relief can be obtained.  Those that struggle with similar issues will better understand, my explanations are often vague, it’s just my wandering train of thought.

Thanks for your time!  I hope to take up the habit of writing again soon, as it was a great method of release.

Until next time, peace to you and yours.

 

It’s been a while

More violence.  This time it’s Las Vegas.  Why are we doing this to ourselves?  I don’t understand what could trouble a population so much that our own members crack under pressure and commit these acts of violence.

I’m sorry for their loss.  So many devastating things are happening in a short period of time.  I’ll say my prayers for those in need today and for days to come.  Seems like we could all use a little help.

a Writer’s Block

I’ve not felt like writing much lately.  Distracted by passing obsessions and fading vices.  The muse inside is asleep.  I fear it would fade entirely, then I remember my life long curse.  When an obsession takes hold through OCD, the hold is firm and unrelenting.  It threatens several aspects of myself, such as writing and poetry.  Words will fleeting dash across my mind, vanishing like a dream when I try and recall the ideas.  Only the current, hopefully temporary, obsession remains.  What will I do about this and that.  How will I handle each situation regarding anything other than the pressing need to do a thing.  I keep these “things” to myself, they are my burden to bear.  So while you might see a sneer or a glare, know that it’s only temporary.  Something has a hold on me again, and the battle is reinstated.  I often hope that I’m the only one with struggles like these, again I would never wish this on anther human being.  Consumed so fully by a task, habit, show, game, etc.  Thanks for listening, until next time.  Peace to you and yours.

Commercials Vs. Advertisements

After studying the subject, I have come to realize that Commercials try to sell us a product that is more or less of good quality, where as Ads via phone and PC apps and web pages try and push low quality or altogether false products, services, or even ideas.  A lot of time, effort, and energy had been put into the campaign to stick us in our tiny glowing screens and PC monitors.  I would rather see commercials rather than having adds blasted at me on every web page and phone app.

Seems like ads have become an overwhelming burden on web pages.  For instance, The Weather Channel is an undesirable site now that it’s lagged up with adds, where as the actual Weather channel via television is better.

Then there is Amazon with it’s algorithm that is based on previous sales will show you several models of dehumidifier that you could have gotten.  These are well meaning, but not yet on point for directed commercial items.

That’s just my 2 cents, thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Obsession, part of the Disorder

One of the tougher parts of OCD to deal with is the obsessions.  They are unshakable desires to do something.  Whether it’s an addiction, such as cigarettes, or something so simple as a card game, Magic the Gathering, the obsession can be so overwhelming that it seemingly controls your actions.  That’s where the compulsive part of the disorder ruins everything.  Where normally a person can control an obsession, Obsessive Compulsive disorder can control themselves, when the compulsion kicks in it is no longer probable to resist the obsession.  You don’t feel complete or whole until it is fulfilled.  For me it’s basic vices, things that send life into disorder, but not unrecoverable.  I fear for some, the compulsions are too dark, such as displayed in the Showtime series Dexter.  How fine is the line between a simple drive to clean the same spot the same way forever and the dark abyss of horrific obsession?  I sure hope there is a cure in the works.

For myself, it’s a very real and very terrifying reality.  I fear that a simple rabbit hole might turn into a nightmare reality.

Trying to figure out the triggers has been very difficult.  Stress, positive or negative, seems to be the most prevalent.  This, I believe is why anti depressants had a negative effect.  The “high” of the dopamine fades, but the obsession with the consistent good moods did not, causing a downward spiral that was near fatal.

Scary

Why is it so scary to feel good,

What is it I misunderstood,

Wave of happy we never want to stop,

Gotta remember can’t live at the top,

The low and highs are all part and partial,

Feeling happy, we just can’t marshall,

Our internal light was growing neigh,

If we can’t be happy, we just want to die,

But it’s all in the balance, I hope you can see,

Relish the light of creativity,

Enduring the lows became the normal,

Feeling the highs is feeling formal,

Denying ourselves the basic desires,

Not letting it out, just stoking the fires,

Living in rage,

No more on stage,

Life in a cage,

Seeking a sage,

Seething in rage,

Not turning the page

Found only a maze,

Looking inwards a haze,

Past memories a blaze,

My mind in a craze,

But pardon my phrase,

I speak out of phase,

Overwhelming malaise,

Felt lost in that maze,

My minotaur would enrage,

Past memories were now pyres,

Creativity re-inspires,

Life changed from uniformal,

To nearly paranormal,

Nor more passivity,

More clearly now I can see,

There is so much more behind my eye,

I can now permit myself to cry,

No longer now shall I stall,

This life to give must get it all,

I must discard my prop,

One more habit I must drop,

It is no longer misunderstood,

We are allowed to feel good.

 

 

In Doubt

Dear lord please hear me out,

Many people are live in doubt,

I wanna scream and shout,

It’s not fair let them out,

We trusted, got dusted, some busted, maladjusted, still crusted, disgusted

Hooked on a chem, crooked rich men, free us from them, tired of waiting ’til then,

Why does humanity act like an experiment,

For rich or poor we’re all here, a testament,

Our souls are here to the show what we meant,

Sing, write, play, show, paint, vent.

Always about to boil,

Forgot why we toil,

Why must they foil,

Can’t we just live in peace,

Live our lives, love life, we’re here on lease,

Give us a break before we all cease.

 

 

 

 

 

Curses foiled again, or not

In the past week I have been personally reconciling my inner self.  Sounds weird, but I have been at odds with myself for some time.  After drudging up so many painful memories I cast myself into deep sadness, regret, and even anger.  It’s been very difficult for me cast aside the things in my life that don’t belong.  Things such as the feeling of not belonging where I am.  I have spent a lot of time just thinking and planning and not really acting.  So I have decided to take on a new hobby, candle making.  The funny part to me is that I have been a butcher, a baker, and now…you see the punchline.

Normally in my past I would have simply gone back to my routine, but I know I have to alter it just a little bit.  I first believed that I needed to shake up everything about myself and my life so that I was not so depressed all the time.  Along that path I have really started to put more effort into where I am.  Dedicating myself to my workplace, doing more activities with my family, and finding a healthier balance of my previous hobbies.  It’s been a real challenge changing internally while causing so much discord with those around me.  I hope they can all forgive me.  I am sorry for all the trouble.

No one ever said having a mid life crisis was easy.  The crisis is over, now I have to clean up my own mess.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.